It’s fair to say nobody will be commissioning a commemorative DVD of this one, even those on the side of the emphatic win – Southgate 2nd XI.
Which isn’t to contend it was unpleasant arriving at one of the most recognisable spots in the country, Regents Park, for this hit out against London Superkings. Sure, the most rolling this council pitch had seen, as Liam Collett spotted upon arrival, was from a dog running on it. And yes, it’s lucky nobody picked up a season-ending injury stepping into any of the outfield holes. Even so, there’s an energy to playing in a big public park, where the world-at-large gets a peek into our lives as committed Saturday triers.
However. Goodness me, what an ugly game – in more ways than one.
After a debate about the adjudication of wides in timed cricket, which lasted longer than some G20 summits, captain Sam Faruqi finally got the home captain to get the coin in the air. With 15 minutes left before the scheduled start, it was revealed we’d be fielding. On a shit heap, with plenty of bowling, this was no bad thing. Especially with David Woffinden ready to bowl all day.
The return of Will McLoughlin provided an extra dimension, hitting a bloke on the arm in the first over who was out wearing a hat having given his helmet to the umpire rather than on his head. Moments like this - some weird, some worse - would define the next couple of hours. I suppose we should’ve sensed this, given Max had to pay by-the-hour for our dressing room.
Anyway. Our seam bowling was frugal then efficient. Will’s caught and bowled inside the opening moments got us going. But what followed was a bewildering passage where the hosts committed to the type of defensive vigil you might see when desperately batting out a draw with men around the bat. Sure, Woffer was at his miserly best, giving them sod all to hit as well. But the commitment to the bit from the Superkings saw them sit 17-1 in the 16th over, with what must have been 40-something dots in a row. Why? We’ll never know.
The wrinkle in all this was what felt like had been a clear directive to give nothing out lbw. Three glaring early examples - and I mean shocking – the type of appeals that you are so convinced of you appeal with a smile on your face knowing what’s coming – drove many of us to distraction.
Not our opening bowlers though, who plugged away until the next wickets came on 17, 21 and 25 – a couple apiece, well earned. The plan was for me to follow Woffer as we have in recent weeks, enjoying the same cross-breeze, but this veteran has an engine to go all day, so why change the formula? Will’s final analysis of 11-5-16-2 reflected his fine contribution to this squeeze.
Sure enough, a slogger or four came down the list and from time to time a ball would go the journey. There was another mind-blowing lbw explanation to begin my spell – bat first, apparently, despite the blade to this moment still not down beneath the line of the London Eye. Once calmed from that, Sam trusted the process with the field back, and catches came in turn. Indeed, the first ball after drinks I was slapped flat to long off where it was Will once again in service, taking what in Australia we call a chest mark, smashing into his sternum, clinging on superbly. Big Max Dighton, in his second appearance, took an equally impressive chance low at cow corner.
But it was all about Woffer down the other end. He hit stumps and pads, at the point where he couldn’t be denied, to register back-to-back five-wicket bags. If not for a comedy run out to finish the innings, it’s likely a sixth would’ve come before his 20th over was done. Instead, he’d walk off with a smile on his face with a tremendous afternoon’s work netting him 19.2-11-25-5.
Set 78, the chase only took 15.2 overs. Max Joseph started smartly with a couple of beautiful clips through the onside, but lost Mustafah Mirza right away. Max also departed, done by a canny bit of bowling. On another day, 21-2 might have constituted a wobble. But you wouldn’t have known it when Max No2 played a cavalier back foot thrust for six over wide long off to get off the mark, breaking the back of the job before falling a few runs short of the finish line for 31. Sure enough, Colly did as he does, collecting anything on offer to finish 30 not out. As he may or may not have said to the other mob: you’ve been rolled for 77, I’m averaging 110. Even more now with that red ink.
Out of there by 4:30pm, our messy mission was complete. Now let’s never speak of it again.