Winchmore Hill CC 1st XI vs Southgate CC 1st XI
6th June 2026
Limited Overs
Middlesex County Cricket League 1st XI Division Two

By Geoff Collins

What is cricket? One poses the question not rhetorically, but philosophically. For some, it is a cathartic release of frustrations developed during the capitalistic drudgery of a working week. For others, a chance to satisfy the innate human need to connect with others; camaraderie through a sport that has the power to change lives. And, for a select few in North London, it is the chance to gather in a circle around Dan Bint whilst pretending to perform a sex act upon him in the pouring rain whilst waiting 15 minutes for a mower to be moved from the pitch.

Regardless of your philosophical stance on cricket, winning the toss and bowling was always the optimum modus operandi from James Dangerfield - putting any potential DLS chase in Southgate's favour. Those from north of the Watford Gap - namely Scott Ellis and league debutant Laurence Perry - anticipated no play at all. Others were more wildly optimistic. What transpired fell somewhere in between.

After a slightly delayed start, Winchmore Hill grazed to 70 without loss despite tidy and effortful spells into the wind and with a wet ball from Bint and Darragh Edwards. The score was largely thanks to Jim Gatting - son of England legend Mike ‘Fat Gatt’ Gatting - wielding a bat the size of a fat baby; hitting some lusty blows that made use of a short boundary and a wet surface that allowed the ball to skid on.

Thankfully, after another short rain break, skipper Dangerfield quickly justified his decision to bowl by taking two wickets in two balls. First, the wicket of Gatting - thanks to a swirling, steepling catch by Josh Ray at midwicket. The very next ball, Alex McKenna - no relation to hypnotist Paul McKenna - neatly caught by Perry at slip. Momentum back with Southgate, it was then over to Perry to apply further pressure by taking his first league wicket for the club, removing opener David Goldsmith, who played on.

But when it rains, it pours. How fitting given the forecast, as it hadn't stopped raining since play began, much to the displeasure of the usually chipper Ray. Southgate were keen to stay out there and apply the pressure. With Winchmore Hill now unable to rotate the strike, a risky call and mix-up between the wickets gave Hugh Hyslop - who fielded like a man on performance-enhancing drugs - the chance to throw the stumps down from extra cover for a superb direct hit… But wait! Had keeper Ellis accidentally removed both bails before the ball hit the stumps? The evidence was debated with the rigour of a war crimes tribunal. However, Southgate 'gently' persuaded the umpire this wasn't the case and the appeal was upheld. Had the wind and rain removed a bail before the stumps were thrown down? A question that will haunt legal scholars for generations.

Interestingly, Hyslop had earlier revealed that the key to fielding so well was not masturbating for a few days prior to the game. The team were keen to take this guidance forward for the rest of the season.

A solid 70-0 had turned into a precarious 97-4, and despite some eye-catching shots from Winchmore Hill's number 4, Joshua Gunter, Southgate were able to control the run rate through two more wickets from Perry. The left-arm Chinaman - now dubbed 'The Chairman' - was keen to show and tell anyone who would listen how difficult it was to bowl wrist-spin with a wet ball, finishing with 3-40 from his 9 overs and leaving Winchmore Hill 146-6.

Alas, after playing through such persistent and heavy rain, the umpires and players agreed it had become too dangerous to continue and took the players off for what turned out to be the final time. Winchmore Hill's reluctant handshakes may have been less about the abandoned match and more about Southgate CC’s post-match Spotify playlist - a curated selection of R. Kelly, P. Diddy, Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris that raised several safeguarding concerns. An early tea of burgers and chips softened the blow of a match abandoned with 3 points shared.

And so, one poses the question: what is cricket?