With 2,909 runs scored (Hugh Hyslop scoring 757 @ 47.3), 78 wickets taken (Laurence Perry taking 36 @ 10.39) and 1 food festival attended (0.5 Stefan Fernando, 0.5 Beavan Fernando)... it comes down to the final game of the season to decide Southgate's fate in Division 2 of the Middlesex Cricket League.
A game that, thankfully, will be played with a pink ball and coloured kit - because, despite glimmers of hope, red-ball timed-cricket has not been a favoured format by Southgate players, or spectators.
Defending totals at home bore the only positive results in this format. An opening red-ball win against Kenton flattered to deceive. This win was largely thanks to old-fashioned, solid red-ball batting from Sunny Kanuparthi (36) and Scott Ellis (36). Laurence Perry (7-35) then ran through a side of accused alcoholics and McLoughlin-like sweepers to secure the first win in whites.
From then on, Southgate showed glimpses of being able to adapt to the tantric nature of the longer format, without ever really managing to climax consistently. Wins against West Harrow (Beavan Fernando 49, James Dangerfield 4-43) and Winchmore Hill (James Dangerfield 30, Akshay Pillalamarri 4-55) titillated and teased between frustrating losses to Ealing Trailfinders, London Tigers, Brentham, Bessborough, Highgate and Enfield. Despite the league standings, no side looked out of reach. No player looked too good - except for Highgate's overseas pro, whose belly button is closer to the opposition than it is to himself.
Just when a batter looked comfortable, he'd chip one to mid-off. Just when a partnership began to develop, someone would run someone out. Just before drinks, someone would get distracted by the wrong set of jugs and miss a straight one. It is no wonder that captain James Dangerfield - who has done a stellar job not to lose his mind amongst seemingly deliberate wastes of potential - had resorted to Hyslop's advice earlier in the season: not to masturbate for as long as possible in the build-up to a game.
However, it has not been a season of doom and gloom. Far from it. There have been a number of highlights that have reminded the players why they perpetually choose to suffer at the hands of willow on leather:
1. The return of Akshay Pillalamarri, arguably the most talented young player in the division, who recently passed his driving test after driving his way to 70 against Ealing Trailfinders the other week - alongside Christian McLoughlin's own drive-fuelled, sweep-less 63 in a partnership of 113. Will Akshay be offering lifts on Saturday? We shall see.
2. Sunny Kanuparthi's much-discussed arranged marriage has been a real cause for celebration. If only it were true. Rumours are that the bride-to-be is the utterly robotic, dull and talentless former female Pakistani cricketer and pundit Urooj Mumtaz. Or the adult film star Mia Khalifa. We shall see.
3. Ealing Trailfinders' left-arm spinner consciously - or subconsciously - grabbing his penis before, and during, his bowling action, much to the displeasure of Max Joseph. Will he be grappling with his tackle in front of junior cricketers in Division 1 next year? We shall see.
4. On the subject of Max Joseph: a clubman who has continuously given back to the game and moved things forward - behind the scenes, behind the camera, behind the kit - but never behind the eight-ball on the rules and regulations of the league. Clubman of the year? We shall see.
5. And last, but by no means least, a crucial pink-ball win against London Tigers on 29th August, to keep hopes of avoiding relegation alive. Captain Dangerfield, refreshed from his holiday and invigorated from finally being able to masturbate, masterminded Southgate's win amongst the torrential rain, cajoling the umpires to get a game on with the persistence of Kevin Spacey on a rising star. The skipper brought the spinners on first to bowl with a newer, drier ball, reducing the Tigers to 70-5. Dangerfield then came on to bowl himself, taking 3-21 and finishing off the Tigers' batting line-up alongside the effervescent Darragh Edwards (2-23). It was then left to Hugh 'Rock for Brains' Hyslop to go about his usual work, cracking 55 in the rain as Southgate romped home by 8 wickets. How crucial will this win be in the grand scheme of things? We shall see.
The equation is simple, even for someone with Harry Brook's IQ. Southgate need to beat Brentham on 5th September, and West Harrow need to lose to Ealing Trailfinders. Motivation shouldn't be hard to find: in the corresponding timed-match fixture, Brentham's number 10 - a non-cricketing call-up who could neither bat, bowl nor field - found the breath to sledge Southgate with "enjoy Division 3 next year, lads." Few things would taste sweeter than proving him wrong and ending Brentham's promotion hopes in the same afternoon. We shall see.
One thing is certain: this 1st XI won't be the same again.
Southgate 1st XI won by eight wickets
Scorecard
Geoff Collins