1st XI vs London Tigers & Time Cricket Summary

With 2,909 runs scored (Hugh Hyslop scoring 757 @ 47.3), 78 wickets taken (Laurence Perry taking 36 @ 10.39) and 1 food festival attended (0.5 Stefan Fernando, 0.5 Beavan Fernando)... it comes down to the final game of the season to decide Southgate's fate in Division 2 of the Middlesex Cricket League.

A game that, thankfully, will be played with a pink ball and coloured kit - because, despite glimmers of hope, red-ball timed-cricket has not been a favoured format by Southgate players, or spectators.

Defending totals at home bore the only positive results in this format. An opening red-ball win against Kenton flattered to deceive. This win was largely thanks to old-fashioned, solid red-ball batting from Sunny Kanuparthi (36) and Scott Ellis (36). Laurence Perry (7-35) then ran through a side of accused alcoholics and McLoughlin-like sweepers to secure the first win in whites.

From then on, Southgate showed glimpses of being able to adapt to the tantric nature of the longer format, without ever really managing to climax consistently. Wins against West Harrow (Beavan Fernando 49, James Dangerfield 4-43) and Winchmore Hill (James Dangerfield 30, Akshay Pillalamarri 4-55) titillated and teased between frustrating losses to Ealing Trailfinders, London Tigers, Brentham, Bessborough, Highgate and Enfield. Despite the league standings, no side looked out of reach. No player looked too good - except for Highgate's overseas pro, whose belly button is closer to the opposition than it is to himself.

Just when a batter looked comfortable, he'd chip one to mid-off. Just when a partnership began to develop, someone would run someone out. Just before drinks, someone would get distracted by the wrong set of jugs and miss a straight one. It is no wonder that captain James Dangerfield - who has done a stellar job not to lose his mind amongst seemingly deliberate wastes of potential - had resorted to Hyslop's advice earlier in the season: not to masturbate for as long as possible in the build-up to a game.

However, it has not been a season of doom and gloom. Far from it. There have been a number of highlights that have reminded the players why they perpetually choose to suffer at the hands of willow on leather:

1.⁠ ⁠The return of Akshay Pillalamarri, arguably the most talented young player in the division, who recently passed his driving test after driving his way to 70 against Ealing Trailfinders the other week - alongside Christian McLoughlin's own drive-fuelled, sweep-less 63 in a partnership of 113. Will Akshay be offering lifts on Saturday? We shall see.

2.⁠ ⁠Sunny Kanuparthi's much-discussed arranged marriage has been a real cause for celebration. If only it were true. Rumours are that the bride-to-be is the utterly robotic, dull and talentless former female Pakistani cricketer and pundit Urooj Mumtaz. Or the adult film star Mia Khalifa. We shall see.

3.⁠ ⁠Ealing Trailfinders' left-arm spinner consciously - or subconsciously - grabbing his penis before, and during, his bowling action, much to the displeasure of Max Joseph. Will he be grappling with his tackle in front of junior cricketers in Division 1 next year? We shall see.

4.⁠ ⁠On the subject of Max Joseph: a clubman who has continuously given back to the game and moved things forward - behind the scenes, behind the camera, behind the kit - but never behind the eight-ball on the rules and regulations of the league. Clubman of the year? We shall see.

5.⁠ ⁠And last, but by no means least, a crucial pink-ball win against London Tigers on 29th August, to keep hopes of avoiding relegation alive. Captain Dangerfield, refreshed from his holiday and invigorated from finally being able to masturbate, masterminded Southgate's win amongst the torrential rain, cajoling the umpires to get a game on with the persistence of Kevin Spacey on a rising star. The skipper brought the spinners on first to bowl with a newer, drier ball, reducing the Tigers to 70-5. Dangerfield then came on to bowl himself, taking 3-21 and finishing off the Tigers' batting line-up alongside the effervescent Darragh Edwards (2-23). It was then left to Hugh 'Rock for Brains' Hyslop to go about his usual work, cracking 55 in the rain as Southgate romped home by 8 wickets. How crucial will this win be in the grand scheme of things? We shall see.

The equation is simple, even for someone with Harry Brook's IQ. Southgate need to beat Brentham on 5th September, and West Harrow need to lose to Ealing Trailfinders. Motivation shouldn't be hard to find: in the corresponding timed-match fixture, Brentham's number 10 - a non-cricketing call-up who could neither bat, bowl nor field - found the breath to sledge Southgate with "enjoy Division 3 next year, lads." Few things would taste sweeter than proving him wrong and ending Brentham's promotion hopes in the same afternoon. We shall see.

One thing is certain: this 1st XI won't be the same again.

Southgate 1st XI won by eight wickets
Scorecard

Geoff Collins

3rd XI vs Friends United

This was a proper statement win from Southgate CC — first with the ball through Santosh Shankar, and then an absolutely dominant opening partnership led by a magnificent opening batting from Mustapha Mirza and Nish Shah.

After winning the toss and choosing to field, Southgate wanted early control, and they got exactly that.

The standout bowler was Santosh Shankar, who produced an outstanding spell of 12 overs, 4 wickets for just 35 runs. He removed Krishaan Maturandas for 2, Vishal Vala for 27, Fennyl Dani for 10 and Nikesh Shantilal for 11.

What impressed most was the control. Bowling 12 overs in a limited-overs match and conceding at only 2.92 runs per over is exceptional. Whenever Friends United looked as though they might build some momentum, Santosh came back with a breakthrough.

At the other end, Arpit Katoch struck twice, removing Priyanque Caussicumar and Sarang Nitendra, while Sarfaraz Hafeji picked up two more wickets.

Friends United did have one man standing tall. Dhaval Vala played an excellent unbeaten innings of 62 from 64 balls, including nine fours and two sixes. His knock gave the innings some substance and helped Friends United reach 167.

But Southgate finished the innings strongly. Harshil Vipani needed only 1.1 overs to take two wickets, cleaning up the tail and ensuring Friends United were bowled out for 167 in 28.1 overs.

Then came the chase. And, quite simply, it was one-way traffic.

Mustapha Mirza was sensational. He attacked from the beginning, putting the bowlers under immediate pressure and never allowing Friends United to settle. Mirza raced to an unbeaten 100 from just 70 deliveries, smashing 14 fours and three sixes at a strike rate of 142.86.

This wasn't reckless hitting either. It was controlled aggression — punishing anything loose, rotating the strike and making sure the required rate was never allowed to become a factor.

Alongside him, Nish Shah played the perfect supporting innings. While Mirza attacked, Shah provided stability with an unbeaten 53 from 63 balls, hitting six boundaries. Their styles complemented each other beautifully.

The result? 168 without losing a single wicket in just 22.1 overs. No drama. No collapse. No opportunity for Friends United to get back into the contest. A 168-run unbeaten opening partnership to complete a 10-wicket victory.

The biggest positive was the completeness of the performance. Southgate took wickets regularly, restricted the opposition despite Dhaval Vala's resistance, and then chased the target without losing a wicket.

That's the kind of cricket captains love to see. Control with the ball. Ruthlessness with the bat. And a 10-wicket victory to finish it off.

Southgate 3rd XI won by 10 wickets
Scorecard

2nd XI vs Peshwa

Battling for promotion, our 2s, in order to keep the pressure on 1st and 2nd in the league, had to win this game, a big performance was crucial! Against a team who had beaten us pretty emphatically when we last met (and being pretty renowned for cheating) our 2s new they were in for a tough one! After a very dry summer, the pitch showed it, the wicket was pretty much made of sand so it was always going to play unpredictability!

Southgate, after winning the toss, went into bat and lost 2 quick wickets very early on, the pressure was on. With Liam and Rehaan at the crease they began to steady the ship, both making 30 a piece before getting out. Southgate finish their innings on 128 after some contributions in the middle order from the likes of Andy and Max. With the wicket doing all sorts and with a stellar bowling line up, the 2s most certainly were still in it! After, what I believe to be the best tea of the season, we went out to bowl. Opening the bowling with Will and Josh we started off strong, with Josh's first over being a double wicket maiden, Peshwa were already struggling, will took 1 early wicket also, leaving Peshwa 2/3.

The pressure was on and with a dusty wicket spin twins Andy and Adam were brought on early to much success! Both bowling a testing line to the batsmen, forcing many silly shots and Adam finishing with outstanding figures of 5/35, taking his 100th wicket of his season too so big congrats to him! Peshwa had a slight fightback with a couple of 30+ partnerships but it still wasn't enough as after a lower order collapse and Adam finishing the job, Peshwa were bowled out for 102 and the comeback was complete! A big win to Southgate in the context of the season, onwards and upwards now with 2 more must win games in the season left for promotion!

Southgate 2nd XI won by 28 runs
Scorecard

2nd XI vs London Super Kings

We were greeted by a parched outfield at the Walker Ground on a resplendent Saturday afternoon, in what was this correspondent’s first match in over three years for Southgate.

After some introductions it became clear I’d been parachuted in to provide some latitudinal balance to side a side that contained an unprecedented 3 (three!) Australians in it.

Skipper Sam won the toss and we elected to bat on what looked like it could be a serious day for chasing leather.

After a probing start with the new ball, we quickly found ourselves one down, bringing run machine Colly to the crease with Amila. They set about their work with Colly accumulating and Amila becoming increasingly expansive as they built their partnership to over 100. Particular highlights included Amila’s flick for six over mid-wicket and his decision to have a cigarette at the first of the two drinks breaks.

Just as he was looking to push the rate on Amila fell LBW for 71 prompting somewhat of a mini collapse as we stumbled from 121-1 to 140-4.

This brought Ollie in (who has unfortunately traded physique with me since we last played), and we set about rebuilding with a 50 partnership, aided by some increasingly ridiculous field settings.

Once Ollie and I departed there was some spirited biffing and running between the wickets from Andy as wickets fell with him finishing 33*. New man Ben Slack opened his bomb account at the Walker with a fine straight hit to take us to a respectable 261-9 from our 45.

Both tea and the tea room were much improved since my last game and we went into the field confident we could defend.

We began tightly, aided by one of their openers engaging in some Boycott-esque limpeting. Slack tore in the down the hill with great pace and Sam did the hard yards from the other end.

Sam’s bowling style is another great development since my last game leading to some in the cordon branding him “Temu Woffers”.

The tight opening spells had them behind the rate and never quite able to catch back up. A superb one handed catch from Colly at cover got the first breakthrough from Srikanth's bowling while Andy wheeled away at the other end with offbreaks working his way to a hard earned 3fer.

Alan Babwah picked up a couple of wickets in his 5th bowler role before Slack came on to mop up the last 2 and get us the early shower and beer we craved.

Ultimately it was a bit of a hammering as we won by 84 runs with Extras their top scorer.

Until next time,

Ali Lynch