In a tense press conference at the Walker Ground today, club captain Rob Johnson launched the new Southgate CC coaching guide. Through gritted teeth he was almost heard to say, “The standard of cricket this year has been simply awful. Tucked in shirts, proper flannels and good old-fashioned manners have been in short supply. And no one seems to have heard of Brylcreem or a proper hair parting.

“Now I’ve decided to do something about it. All players are required to stare at the attached coaching guide for no less than 12 hours every day, including Saturdays. Anyone who fails to do so is an absolute bounder and a cad.”

And with that he was gone. So, gentlemen of Southgate, the hard work begins right here.